We moved to Germany nearly two years ago (
after living in The Netherlands for two years, and Germany for a year before that) and when we first arrived I was pretty excited to be back in a foreign speaking church congregation. Since we attended an international congregation while we were in The Netherlands everything was done in English (
which, of course, had some upsides to it), so being in congregation with everything done in German gave me a lovely burst of excitement. New people, new language, new challenges. I was going to be mastering German and making friends with everyone in no time! I thought it was a great plan.
Well, it was pretty great for about a year. Then, that burst of excitement that was fuelling my so-called 'forward movement' slowly evolved into mounds and mounds of frustration. The honeymoon stage with Germany was over and it required me to take a nice, close look at not only the situation, but also what was going on internally. Had I moved forward? Was I reflecting outwardly all the things that I felt compelled to do and portray inwardly? And WHY was my German still ridiculously bad!?
So what did I do? I planned
a road trip for our family. Not exactly the typical way to approach it but travelling really has a knack for breathing new life into me (
and by association, our family) and since our road trip would be nicely rounded out with visits to two temples,
Frankfurt and
Freiburg, and a
conference with President Monson I planned on this trip giving a nice, and definitely needed, spiritual boost.
The trip certainly gave us a spiritual boost and so much more. After attending the Frankfurt temple, Jason and I had a very in depth conversation about our time in Germany and where we felt we were sitting at spiritually; as individuals, a couple and a family. Despite daily personal scripture study and prayer, weekly church attendance, prayerful service in our callings, weekly family home evening, daily family scripture study and prayer, monthly fasting and visits to the temple we still felt like we weren't gaining any ground. In fact, we felt like we were barely staying afloat. When it felt like we were doing everything right, why did it feel like nothing was actually going right? And why was Germany proving to be so much harder than other places that we have lived?
Our first question that Jason and I discussed was if we were following all the commandments to the best of our ability. And yes, we felt we were; we're certainly not perfect, but we try to always do our best and to keep our 'best' improving. We were able to identify one area we could improve on though - temple attendance (and I am happy to report, that it has drastically improved!). Then we touched on a very interesting point - we both find church exhausting.
(on an interesting and related side note::: One aspect, that I do not go into depth with here is that what I would deem my "best" here is not nearly as good as what my "best" has been in other places we have lived. Why the change? I think language is an aspect. But also, different callings. In any case, it is hard to feel like a lot of my talents and skills are sitting inside me, practically begging to be used and I can't find an outlet for them..so hard! And definitely does add to the feeling of being spiritually stuck.)
Admitting that little fact, that we both find church exhausting, was not a happy moment for me. I love church and have always enjoyed the way that it filled my soul, energized me for the coming week and helped me see the ways that I could be better and serve my family and those around me. The sad point was realizing that I had not experienced those feelings in some time. In fact, it had become quite reversed; I often spent much of the week preparing myself for Sunday, attempting to build reserves to last through church; to last through the insults and criticism, to last through the tough german words. What a horrible feeling! What was going on!? So many questions swirled through my mind.
It is times like this that I am so thankful for my patriarchal blessing and the wonderful gems it has in there to help me know how to anchor myself through hard times because for me, this has definitely been a hard time. I never imagined church attendance to weigh so heavily on me. Why was this the case now? I wondered if it was me finding my calling burdensome but I definitely didn't feel that it was because there had been many Sunday's where I have had to search with every fibre in my being just to find a way to serve and be useful in that calling. In actuality, finding ways to be useful and give of myself sometimes felt impossible (even still). It was this line of thinking that allowed me to realize two mistakes that I had made:
(I'm sure that there are probably plenty more mistakes that I have made, but these are the ones that came to mind for personal reflection at the time)
1: I came to Germany with an idea in my mind of how I was going to serve. For example, I was going to master those german verb conjugations and serve all those german-speakers with flying colors (sounds really realistic, right?)
2: I allowed church to become a language learning centre rather than a gospel learning centre. My priorities were not in proper order. When we moved in, I felt this pressure (whether the pressure is/was internal or external is still up for debate but considering that I am not the only one who has mentioned this feeling of 'pressure' leads me to think it is most likely a mixture of both) to put learning german at a higher priority than progressing spiritually. The funny thing is, perhaps if I had of been firm with myself and others, that church is a gospel learning centre for me - to partake of the sacrament, to serve, to teach, to learn then the german language would have naturally fallen into place under that umbrella. As it currently stands though, my german stinks, and my spiritual progression is at an alarming halt. Priorities out of order certainly seem to have been a large contributor.
Attempting to correct mistake one was a tough one for me because I was (and still am) quite frustrated with myself that my German is still as bad as it is. After multiple german courses and near daily study at home it has so unrecognizably improved - if at all. I expected so much more of myself (and very clearly, so did others). Of course, serving those around you when you do not speak their language is not impossible, though it can be limited and certainly awkward. Ever try to visit teach someone who does not speak your language, nor you theirs? There is a lot of smiling, nodding and constant pleading with heavenly father that something, anything, will touch that woman's heart so she will know how much her Saviour loves her. Or how about trying, through primarily actions, to convey to your elderly neighbours your deepest apologies and desire to be a friend as they struggle through some hard trials? So often I feel like I am walking blindly, without words to describe my actions, I must rely solely on my actions to speak clearly and accurately the things the spirit would like to communicate. It's a tough thing for me. I am a big communicator, and it feels like I cannot speak.
Not sharing a common language, of course, puts a challenge on building friendships as well. Meaningful conversation is such an important building block of a supportive, strong friendship and I feel absolutely unable to contribute. Paralyzed and incapable of making friends.
So what did I do to correct mistake one? I haven't corrected it. I'm still working on it. And boy is it hard. It has been a long process of trying to give up all the ways that I had planned on serving and replacing those by learning the ways that Heavenly Father needs me to serve. It has reminded me how in tune I need to be with the Spirit every. single . moment . I've been trying to be a better visiting teacher, taking on as many things in my calling that I can do to help, working with the missionaries, and doing better to invite others into our home and to church. It has been a growing process that has hit more deeply than I could have imagined. Often I feel like I am completely alone in this journey. The hardest part though? Feeling like I am still failing - miserably. As for that German, well, I'm still hoping and working for that to kick in.
Mistake number two was no easier to address because by the point that Jason and I had this conversation originally (after living in Germany for one year, taking classes and studying at home) I felt like the expectation was for my German to already be immaculate. Of course, this was probably because of a heavy dose of self-expectations rather than entirely the expectations of those around me, but that doesn't matter because people act according to their perceptions which may not always be completely in line with reality. And my perception was that people saw me as the failure that I felt I was.
So I set out to change my approach. To put priorities in the proper order. Why had I never received a visit from visiting teachers? Did I have visiting teachers? Who were they? How could I get my visiting teaching companion to communicate better with me and help me with visits (particularly with the woman who didn't speak english)? What were some meaningful ways that I could serve the primary children even though my language skills are limited? Do the primary children know how much I care for them? After taking the sacrament for myself, what can I do to be alert of those around me whom I can serve? The list of questions went for an overwhelmingly long time. But it wasn't the long list of questions that struck me the hardest, it was the realization that someone close to me needed me far more than anyone else - the kids.
It was at this time that I became very keenly aware of how unique each of the kids needs were at this time. For example, Atticus had just begun attending Primary, and after erroneously assuming that he had the german under control, I watched him become timid and begin to voice concerns. Both kids are always so happy, positive and social with their friends that I overlooked the signals that I had seen. Then one night I asked Atticus what I could do to help him learn more while in Primary. The answer was simple - translate. Such a simple answer, yet how could my pitiful german be adequate enough to translate? That didn't matter though, what mattered was that this little boy was getting the spiritual nourishment he needed for his little seed of faith to grow strong and if that meant translating for him then I would do it. And I have done it. It probably isn't the most accurate or talented translating, but that hasn't seemed to matter. In the short time that I have been doing it for Atticus we have seen such a huge improvement. He loves church now. Loves his class (which is in german). And is beginning to feel more confident and comfortable with the other children in church. In parallel to this, gospel conversations in the home, service and missionary opportunities have increased. It has certainly been a blessing. However, should we stay longer in Germany, I know that Atticus will soon be ready to let go of my translating aid but I am so happy to see him growing stronger.
The goal was to set out doing the best that I could do with all the resources and talents I have to serve with then letting that service change me and develop my talents and skills how Heavenly Father saw fit; whether that meant progressing in my German or not. Deciding to move forward with this approach brought me the greatest peace and assurance that I have felt in some time. Letting Heavenly Father guide me and my priorities along with the order of those priorities. Well, today was a pretty good example of how poorly my approach had been received by others. I will just say the someone voiced their strong opinion against that and I let it hurt me. I am so much more than just and "english-speaker", I am a child of God.
I wanted to speak up and tell him how wrong and hurtful he was, but I didn't. After all, he is also a child of God. So instead, I gave him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he did not realize how hurtful his words came across and I quietly walked away. This isn't his challenge, it's mine. The funny thing is that afterwards I came up with plenty of things I wanted to say to him about how wrong he was and why, and all these things came to me in german. The grammar probably would have been awful, but I know he would have gotten the point. But I digress because he is not the one who needs to get the point - I do. I need to get the point and the purpose from my Heavenly Father for me. How am I supposed to be growing? What is this little fish out of water supposed to do in the driest spiritual desert I have ever been in? I need a full spiritual well to nourish my young family with and I do not seem to have the resources nor capability to fill it. I feel so helpless.
But I can't possibly be helpless. I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who would not leave me without the resources that I need to not just survive but to thrive and progress on my journey to be closer to Him. I feel like I am on such a steep incline and it is hard but there is far too much good around me enriching my life to making me lose hope. Right now I am tweaking my scripture study habits, practicing proactive prayer, enhancing my knowledge of how to receive and understand communication from the Holy Ghost, trying my best to fill any service I am able to render, and thoroughly studying last General Conference talks with my General Conference Study Journey (which a friend introduced me to and I am SO very grateful for that. I'll probably post more on that later). Of course, in the event there was ever any doubt, I am ensuring priorities are in the order that Heavenly Father would have me put them - that means, without a doubt, this little family of mine is top of the list. Because this little family of mine has been the greatest gift I could have asked for. Between a supportive husband and incredible kids I feel so blessed to have our little home where love abounds no matter how hard this has sometimes been for us.
Here's to progress. I'm sure that I will feel prompted to share more of my journey soon (hopefully those thoughts won't be quite so lengthy). I just hope that it is helpful to someone. If nothing else, I think it has certainly been helpful to me to write all these feelings down. I'm understanding more and more why the general authorities counsel us to keep journals (which I have been keeping :) )...
