General Conference and Easter - A great start to Spring

As I write this, it is raining nonstop outside and I can't help but smile because it's a warm rain and it is very slowly working its' magic on this long winter snow that we have had. I will probably still miss the snow and welcome it's timely return (provided it comes at an appropriate time :) ). But for now, I am so looking forward to spring, flowers, rainy days and sunny days that bring with them long days at the park and bicycle rides - oh how I cannot wait to again be on our bakfiets. It also means that those maple trees have started to release their delicious sap and there is a new adventure on our horizon.

Last weekend we watched General Conference and that is always a lovely start to April. We gave a new gf cinnamon bun recipe a go. They were - ok. But we will keep our eyes open for other recipes.

Nothing beats cream cheese icing though. The kids discovered how good it is to lick icing off of a spoon - or from their finger. Jason could do nothing but smile when all three of us were caught stealing licks of his special icing. I really should do better at not passing down my bad habits.

I loved that the kids were so excited for conference (I tried a countdown chain, but it really wasn't high on the priority list this year so it kind of fell by the wayside). I think the cinnamon buns had something to do with it, though the fact that they could each list off favorite parts of the conference sessions tells me that they definitely got more than just cinnamon buns from conference.

Often, their eyes wandered to other people and things in the chapel but then there were those moments, which seem to be slowly and steadily increasing, where something on that screen took a hold of them and their eyes were glued to the screen not even taking a break when they asked questions like, "what is fear?". It got them thinking and asking questions, and I like that. Conference got me thinking, too. Looking forward to getting to study each of the messages throughout the year.

Most often, those captivating moments came by way of music. I love music. And I love seeing it have such a lovely effect on the kids. Pretty sure they are big Mormon Tabernacle fans. Atticus is asking when we will get to go and see the conference centre and the Salt Lake Temple. I do hope that day is not in the too far distant future. It would be a good experience.

And then there is the preparing for Easter. While some traditions will be modified this year based on our new locale, the kids did a happy dance the morning they woke up and saw that I had put up our easter countdown tree on the mantle. It's a good tradition that really focuses us in on the Savior and who He is. I adore Easter. Definitely not for the candy, but for the rich spirit that runs through our family as we strive to understand and apply the atonement just a little bit more in our life. It tends to lead me to a lot of reflection time on how I could use weekly sacrament time better than I am. I have so far to go.

We have been preparing a number for our stake Easter Concert. I had been wanting to plan a number for it, but with time not on my side I had quietly decided not to do one. Then we ran into the woman in charge of the concert at a grocery store that we rarely go to. It was the kick I needed.

It is so awesome getting to watch the kids put the tags on the tree each night. I love seeing their eyes sparkle.

I stressed, probably much more than I needed to, over finding the right song that would bear testimony of the Savior through our voices and help others on their journey to come closer to Christ. Then that song was taken. So I was at the process of searching and praying again. We found one. And while I don't think the song was 'perfect' in the sense that I thought it should be, I can already see it coming together in a beautiful way as everyone in our little group brings their individual talent and testimony to the music. It will be a good experience. I'm sure of that.

April is already bathed in so much goodness. I love goodness.

So Many Thoughts - Peace

I've been struggling with some pretty awful, non-existent sleep lately.

Just as the busyness of the day settles down and my head hits the pillow my mind turns on full blast and reminds me of all the stressful things going on that I have worked so hard to rise above (and address, as needed) during the day so that I could be present for my children (and also so that I can handle the stressful things with a clear, level head because stressing out about stressful things never helps) because, despite the stressful stuff, I still want to do my best to excel as a mother.

Sleep deprivation is not something that I enjoy. Though, I don't think anyone is likely to enjoy that. And I could feel anxiety creeping consistently closer and closer.

And then I found this:

(would love to know the artist, if anyone should know it!)

And I loved it.

There wasn't some big epiphany of some great solution to help me tread through stressful times (and get some more sleep!), but there was a peace.

And peace is powerful.

It helps us better see the wisdom of what things matter and what things don't. And it empowers us to meet stressful times head on and then rise above them or deal with them (whichever is needed).

Peace is beautiful.

And perhaps the most beautiful thing about peace is that it allows us to absorb all the goodness that surrounds us even when the waters of life aren't as calm as we would like. Because the source of that beloved peace is ever mindful of our lives, and our future.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

--Katharina von Schlegel

Bedtime Books

Every night, after the kids and kitchen are cleaned up, teeth are brushed, prayers are said and pyjamas are on, we all squish onto our couch for songs and bedtime books. We take turns for who gets to pick the song. We have gone through times where we sung a string of 'Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam' multiple evenings in a row and none of us mind one bit. And then the kids each get to pick a book. Since Atticus is working his way through his second chapter book (a bit more on that another time. He is just following along as we read it and looking for words he knows); so his pick is most always Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Milayla seems to go for variety in her pick and tonight she chose the Gingerbread Man.

Well, each and every time that little gingerbread man put his hands on his hips to say "you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!, that little lady of ours put her hands on her hips and giggled. It was sweetness I wish I could bundle up and open up again many years down the road as I am sure, no matter how much I enjoy further stages of parenthood, my heart will always miss these early years.

And as we closed the book to the silliness of the gingerbread man being outwitted (and eaten!) by the fox Atticus asked, "Why did the fox eat the gingerbread man?". To which I replied, "well, he was a cookie. Wouldn't you want to eat a cookie, too?". And without missing a beat Atticus said, "Yeah, but not one that moves!".

We all laughed.

I love laughter. I love questions. I love the sparkle of curiosity that shines through Atticus and Milayla's eyes. I love seeing how their love for books and music sparks interest and questions into so many other areas. And it all reminds me why we put that time aside every night to cuddle up on that couch to sing songs and read books. It's to spend time together. It's to learn more about each other. To learn more about the world. And, perhaps most importantly, to strengthen the foundation of our family. Time can't be turned back and so it's important that we invest the time now, to enjoy it together, and plan for the future family we hope for. And I strongly believe these little bedtime traditions are strengthening our little family for many years to come.

Beginnings - My One Word

This week I am on assignment to put together the next Family Home Evening lesson. One would think this would be a simple task. Lately, I'm so jumbled up that even that seems complicated. Pathetic, I know.

So after a morning of playing with the kids I carved out some time to try to commit to a lesson topic while they worked together building a duplo zoo.

I prayed. I sifted through my scriptures. I sifted through Preach My Gospel then on to our Family Home Evening books and then on to a few online resources that have come in handy quite often. And I still came up empty handed. There were certainly a ton of great ideas, but nothing that resonated with me. Nothing seemed to fit.

So I told myself I was just being silly. I needed to just pick a lesson. Commit. And move on. After all, they were all good lessons. Who cared if it "fit" or not? Maybe it just didn't need to.

Then Atticus came in to show me something he had been working on. After I checked out his handy work he turned to me and asked "And what are you working on, Mommy?". And I said that I was trying to find a family home evening lesson that felt right for our family. He said "okay" and he walked away.

I thought that was Atticus' way of ending our little dialogue until he came back a few moments later with the kids' latest Friend magazine (a children's magazine published by our church) in hand with a page already open and said, "I found this yesterday and thought it would make a good lesson and activity, perhaps you think so to?". As I read the title of the article that he had opened up to it sunk into my heart and I knew that it was the lesson that I was looking for. I thanked Atticus for his help and for sharing his prompting with me and he headed back to playing with a big smile on his face.

Now, I don't know if the lesson I ended up picking was the right one because our family really needs to learn this lesson. Or if it was a chance for Atticus to learn about following promptings. Or even if it was just a chance for Atticus to help. But I do know that it felt right and I needed to follow through on it and move forward in faith that the other pieces would fall into place.

So what does all this have to do with my one word for the year? Quite simply - everything. Trying to come up with my one word went through a rather similar process. I came up with so many great, inspiring words but none of them resonated with me. Not a single one inspired me or gave me that bit of grounding and application that I felt I needed in my one word this year.

Then, one morning as I was doing yoga (my first session after a couple weeks of being quite sick) and the word came to me - Beginnings. It seemed like such an odd word but for some unexplainable reason it fit. It resonated. It put a little spark and grounding in my heart and I knew that I needed to pick it as my one word, even if I don't understand the reasons behind it.

So perhaps it will have an extra special meaning this year. Perhaps it will just be a gentle little guide as the year progresses. Whatever it is. I'm glad it fits. I'm glad it feels right.

So here is to a new year filled with beautiful 'Beginnings'. Whatever that may entail.

Merry Christmas

A very merry and Christ-filled Christmas to wherever you are - from our family to ours!

Please enjoy this wonderful video about the true Spirit of Christmas that we've been watching repetitively around here; the kids love it. 

Reflect. Love. Give. Merry Christmas! 

I am a Triangle

Oh man. I knew us coming back to Canada was going to be an adjustment. Not just for the kiddos, who had never lived in Canada, but also for us who had been gone for 5+ years (Jason being gone longer of the 2 of us).

I thought we were saving ourselves a bit of shock by coming to Montreal - a french speaking and quite diverse city. But if it did save us any shock, it wasn't enough.

Shortly after arriving, around the time of the meltdown actually, a friend who is very accustomed to moving around the world with and without children sent me this article about repatriating and I devoured it with wide eyes as pretty much every word rang true with me. I'm different since I last lived in Canada. Canada - not so much.

Don't get me wrong. I love Canada. And I love Montreal. But at the end of the day I am still closer to the worlds biggest ball of yarn than I am to places like Egypt or Greece. I have to work harder to share history with the kiddos because, well, Canada is still pretty young in that realm.

I'm pretty grateful that we moved to Montreal as I still stand by my feelings that Quebec is one of the most culturally and land rich provinces. It's beautiful. And Montreal is filled to the brim with museums which I adore. Though those museums are surrounded by busy streets and busy people and life is just different. And we still have little bits of our hearts and so many friends scattered throughout the world.

I suppose we had it simpler with our previous moves. We could travel a short distance to experience a different culture and a different language without our way of life needing to change too much. It also meant we could easily travel back to the other places we have lived. We had grown quite accustomed to European living which, in many ways, is so much simpler and enjoyable than North American living.

So why did we move? Because it was time for us to grow in a way that we couldn't there. And while we're still discovering the all the 'whys' of it all I think it's important for me to establish that there was a very firm 'why' that we followed and it was right for us. Because I need that anchor when I am trying to find the balance between empathizing with our kids about missing our old homes and reaffirming to them the greatness of our new home. And there are certainly times when those kids miss their old home.

It varies on what they miss. Most recently it's been our bright German home, Atticus' friend Evia from The Netherlands, and trips to the temple in the Hague. The funny thing is, Atticus picked now, of all times, to start liking to use German. I think it is all for the sake of reminiscing, but I am working to build it so he can keep at least a basic knowledge. At those reminiscing moments we do our best to let them express it, join in conversation with them, and make it a happy thing to discuss rather than a sad thing to discuss because it certainly doesn't need to be sad. We do have a lovely home and are making many lovely friends here yet I think it is natural to miss elements that aren't so large a part of our life anymore. And we need to help these kids figure out this star life of theirs (read the article to learn more about them).

They have so many different reference points, the best thing we are trying to do for them right now is anchor them in this family of ours with love, consistency and communication, work on adaptation and friendshipping skills, and let them explore and adapt on their terms and schedule.

It isn't an easy or quick process, but from time to time, when I catch a glimmer of all the polishing and refining that this change has wrought upon all of us (especially the kids) I feel joy. A deep, rich and filling joy. And it's then that I know that this is exactly where we are supposed to be. I am a triangle. Slightly out of place but in the right place to help these little stars of mine shine.

Our Kind of Saturday

I just wanted to take a minute to write a few lines before the kids wake up from their little cat nap. Today has been a good day. Seriously. It was simple. Relaxed. Yet productive. And most importantly, it was together.

We cleaned. Got a bit of organizing work done on the computer. Crafted Christmas cards together. Listened to Christmas music and then had 'gym class' (which pretty much constitutes the kids running circles around the house) while Jason put together some lunch. I feel so fortunate to have some great helpers. Sometimes I feel a little guilty that I lucked out with some kids who love helping so much that tasks like laundry are a pleasure and, sometimes, our kids even say doing laundry together was their favorite part of the day (a fact I'm sure I will need to remind them of some day).

The point isn't about what we did though, the point really is that we did it together and all worked toward a common cause. And it was in those moments when we were all cutting and gluing as we sat around our coffee table that I finally felt the Christmas spirit start to fill the room right to the very corners. I felt joy. And with how stressed I have felt with trying get us all settled down here it was the most beautiful feeling I could have asked for. But even better, is that I saw those sparkles in my kids' eyes as they got adequately covered in glitter and glue. We love to create.

We're all excited for the afternoon. It isn't what I am sure most would consider spectacular but it's pretty special to us. We'll go walking. Jason and the kids have asked for me to cut their hair. We'll make messes with bubbles in the bathtub. Lick the spoons from making chocolate chip pancakes then settle in under the glow of the Christmas tree and watch a movie.

And while I am sure that there will likely be some tantrums along the path of this afternoon, they certainly won't be what color the day - we will - with laughter, smiles and hugs. Cheesy? Yes. But these are the kind of Saturdays that fill us up for the busy weeks ahead. The kids have helped us plan so many ways to serve in the coming weeks and we're all pretty excited. So today I feel every bit of pleasure of soaking in the normal, every day, beauty.

Normal day, let me be aware
of the treasure that you are.
let me learn from you, love you,
bless you before we depart.
Let me not pass you by in quest
of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
let me hold you while I may,
for it may not be always so. one day
I shall dig my nails into the earth,
or bury my face in the pillow,
or stretch myself tart,
or raise my hands
to the sky and want, more
than all the world, your return.

 Author: Mary jean iron

Feeling so grateful for this gift of today. Grateful to serve my family as a wife and a mother. And grateful for us to work together to serve others. 

Montreal Meltdown

You know those moments that aren't your greatest when you feel you really should have known better but at the time, you really didn't? Maybe I'm the only one who has them.

I debated whether or not I would put these thoughts on this blog and finally decided to the affirmative seeing as I would like to keep things realistic on here. I love being positive and focusing on the positive in life. That's what this blog is all about; all those wonderful treasures that weave themselves within an ordinary day. The problem is that we still don't have ordinary days - not even a new version of ordinary days and there is no sign of them yet on the horizon. So finding those little treasures amidst the chaos just feels plain hard. Like looking for tiny flecks of gold in a dirt pit - it's messy, frustrating and stressful.

Perhaps the most frustrating bit is that I know a lot of this boils down to me needing to say 'no' to all the things that seem to have gotten piled up on us upon our arrival. Saying 'no' to all those things that are good, just not the best for us right now. For example, we were cramming visits with all of our old friends and our new friends in an effort for us and the kids to settle in. Which was craziness; not because we don't love our friends but because we all settle in best with some down time as a family (though Jason is often an exception to that rule). And once we are settled in, accepted and comfortable with our surroundings then let the hosting begin.

In this journey of settling in I am learning how the kids adjust similarly on some things and so very differently on others. It is a hard journey as their mom to know just how to tailor situations to push them the right ways and just enough to grow further without it being too much that they regress further than before.

I made the error of packing in playdates. It was in a genuine attempt to find a way for the kids to feel more comfortable around the kids at church. It didn't work. Our kids just kept asking when we would get to do a fieldtrip with just us or stay home and do Mommy School. They (Atticus in particular) were looking for those things that they used to do in Germany. I didn't quite get it until one day Atticus said to me, "Mommy, I miss how we used to sit on the floor with big piles of books for a long time when we were in Germany.". So what did I do? I said 'no' - not to Atticus and Milayla but to everything else. I said no to all those extras that I thought were helping that really weren't. I took the cue from them and raised the bar a little bit higher each and every day. It was running so smoothly. The kids were doing so great. Until Sunday came.

Sunday. ugh. Church. I feel horrible to be in such a state about church right now. But, unfortunately, this is where the meltdown portion of this blog entry comes in.

The ward primary leaders (who oversee the classes for the 18month olds to 11 year olds at church) informed me a few weeks back that they have this policy that there are no parents allowed in Primary or nursery. Excuse me!? This seriously sent me into a bit of culture shock. Here I was with two children that we just trekked across the globe who were happy making nice progress on their terms and now I was being asked to leave them alone to cry it out or in Atticus' case, scream it out. I adhered and I left. I should have known better. I should have trusted my momma instinct because - it didn't work. The children just came right back to us. Again and again and again. Against the 'rules' Jason stayed with Atticus in his class for a few weeks. Then we had a little chat with Atticus at home about how much we trust his teachers and what a great job they are doing. Atticus agreed and he went happily off to class on his own for several weeks and we would get to walk home to the sound of him gushing about how great his class was. Unfortunately, we were not having such success with nursery for Milayla (who had the unfortunate opportunity to be bitten and scratched..) or in sharing time for Atticus, who is not keen on anyone but the music conductor in there. This last Sunday was not my shining moment. Actually, that is a gross understatement.

We had been trying for weeks to adhere to the "no parent in primary" policy with no success (this was partly why we had the overdose of playdates). Despite not finding any such policy in the church handbook I didn't want to start a stir because I was already pretty irritated with it and didn't think it would help. Well, after 2 hours of Atticus and I both missing our classes, I picked up Milayla (who had been left to cry it out - not something she is typically happy about) and both kids were miserable (Milayla took cues off her big brother which typically works out well for us but not this day). Long story short - I wanted answers.

WHY were Jason and I needing to adhere to this ridiculous rule? The rule that we broke and as a result Atticus loves his class!? The rule that is no where in the handbook!? It was breaking my heart to see my kids feel unwelcome in Primary just the way they are - kids going through big change and needing some of that change to be a little gentler. It did not go well. I was emotional. That's dangerous. When I saw that the sparkle my kids have in their eyes about church and the people there was starting to fade because of the situation I switched into protective mama bear mode. I was an emotional woman looking out for the best for her kids talking to emotional women just following orders. Yes, they were just following orders from the leaders at the next level. So on I went to contact them to be told that though it is not a church guideline, it is her guideline and she is sticking to it. I felt like she just slapped a door on the primary room door that said "welcome to Primary - only pre-adjusted children allowed".

I know, I know. I probably overreacted. And my kids will likely have forgotten about this all come next Sunday. But, I am doubtful that they will have improved in their comfort level in Primary because there is nothing being done to help them. They don't feel welcome there. Despite Jason and I oozing our compliments to all the great things about the primary (the music leader is incredible! And both Atticus and Milayla have PHENOMENAL teachers!) the kids won't budge on their opinion. They need that comfort level to step forward - it's how they tick. I'm guessing that will evolve as they get older and become more aware of stepping out of their comfort zone, and as we continue to raise the bar to challenge them.

In the meantime I am probably the most unwelcome person in the entire ward right now. Which is a shame. It's a great ward. Super diverse. I have heard prayers in more languages in the last couple months than in my entire life and I'm loving it. Though the wonderfulness of the ward is currently one of those gold flecks in my big dirt pile that I am having trouble getting to. Of course, very little sleep each and every night is not a matter that is helping any of this. So off I go now, to divulge in a piece of early Halloween candy and attempt some sleep (because chocolate helps me sleep....but not really...).


***And just because there are some people who read this who may not know me all that well, there is a slight humour to this post. I do love the people in our ward. I don't love the rule, but I do love the people. Though, my emotional meltdown probably didn't convey that love all that well. *sigh*. That's what repentance is for, right? Time to start the apology letters... I do have a knack for feeling really really horrible, guilty and terrible about even the slightest chance that I have hurt or offended someone...

Feeling Spiritually Stuck

We moved to Germany nearly two years ago (after living in The Netherlands for two years, and Germany for a year before that) and when we first arrived I was pretty excited to be back in a foreign speaking church congregation. Since we attended an international congregation while we were in The Netherlands everything was done in English (which, of course, had some upsides to it), so being in congregation with everything done in German gave me a lovely burst of excitement. New people, new language, new challenges. I was going to be mastering German and making friends with everyone in no time! I thought it was a great plan.

Well, it was pretty great for about a year. Then, that burst of excitement that was fuelling my so-called 'forward movement' slowly evolved into mounds and mounds of frustration. The honeymoon stage with Germany was over and it required me to take a nice, close look at not only the situation, but also what was going on internally. Had I moved forward? Was I reflecting outwardly all the things that I felt compelled to do and portray inwardly? And WHY was my German still ridiculously bad!? 

So what did I do? I planned a road trip for our family. Not exactly the typical way to approach it but travelling really has a knack for breathing new life into me (and by association, our family) and since our road trip would be nicely rounded out with visits to two temples, Frankfurt and Freiburg, and a conference with President Monson I planned on this trip giving a nice, and definitely needed, spiritual boost. 

The trip certainly gave us a spiritual boost and so much more. After attending the Frankfurt temple, Jason and I had a very in depth conversation about our time in Germany and where we felt we were sitting at spiritually; as individuals, a couple and a family. Despite daily personal scripture study and prayer, weekly church attendance, prayerful service in our callings, weekly family home evening, daily family scripture study and prayer, monthly fasting and visits to the temple we still felt like we weren't gaining any ground. In fact, we felt like we were barely staying afloat. When it felt like we were doing everything right, why did it feel like nothing was actually going right? And why was Germany proving to be so much harder than other places that we have lived?

Our first question that Jason and I discussed was if we were following all the commandments to the best of our ability. And yes, we felt we were; we're certainly not perfect, but we try to always do our best and to keep our 'best' improving. We were able to identify one area we could improve on though - temple attendance (and I am happy to report, that it has drastically improved!). Then we touched on a very interesting point - we both find church exhausting.
(on an interesting and related side note::: One aspect, that I do not go into depth with here is that what I would deem my "best" here is not nearly as good as what my "best" has been in other places we have lived. Why the change? I think language is an aspect. But also, different callings. In any case, it is hard to feel like a lot of my talents and skills are sitting inside me, practically begging to be used and I can't find an outlet for them..so hard! And definitely does add to the feeling of being spiritually stuck.)

Admitting that little fact, that we both find church exhausting, was not a happy moment for me. I love church and have always enjoyed the way that it filled my soul, energized me for the coming week and helped me see the ways that I could be better and serve my family and those around me. The sad point was realizing that I had not experienced those feelings in some time. In fact, it had become quite reversed; I often spent much of the week preparing myself for Sunday, attempting to build reserves to last through church; to last through the insults and criticism, to last through the tough german words. What a horrible feeling! What was going on!? So many questions swirled through my mind.

It is times like this that I am so thankful for my patriarchal blessing and the wonderful gems it has in there to help me know how to anchor myself through hard times because for me, this has definitely been a hard time. I never imagined church attendance to weigh so heavily on me. Why was this the case now? I wondered if it was me finding my calling burdensome but I definitely didn't feel that it was because there had been many Sunday's where I have had to search with every fibre in my being just to find a way to serve and be useful in that calling. In actuality, finding ways to be useful and give of myself sometimes felt impossible (even still). It was this line of thinking that allowed me to realize two mistakes that I had made:
(I'm sure that there are probably plenty more mistakes that I have made, but these are the ones that came to mind for personal reflection at the time)

1: I came to Germany with an idea in my mind of how I was going to serve. For example, I was going to master those german verb conjugations and serve all those german-speakers with flying colors (sounds really realistic, right?)

2: I allowed church to become a language learning centre rather than a gospel learning centre. My priorities were not in proper order. When we moved in, I felt this pressure (whether the pressure is/was internal or external is still up for debate but considering that I am not the only one who has mentioned this feeling of 'pressure' leads me to think it is most likely a mixture of both) to put learning german at a higher priority than progressing spiritually. The funny thing is, perhaps if I had of been firm with myself and others, that church is a gospel learning centre for me - to partake of the sacrament, to serve, to teach, to learn then the german language would have naturally fallen into place under that umbrella. As it currently stands though, my german stinks, and my spiritual progression is at an alarming halt. Priorities out of order certainly seem to have been a large contributor.


Attempting to correct mistake one was a tough one for me because I was (and still am) quite frustrated with myself that my German is still as bad as it is. After multiple german courses and near daily study at home it has so unrecognizably improved - if at all. I expected so much more of myself (and very clearly, so did others). Of course, serving those around you when you do not speak their language is not impossible, though it can be limited and certainly awkward. Ever try to visit teach someone who does not speak your language, nor you theirs? There is a lot of smiling, nodding and constant pleading with heavenly father that something, anything, will touch that woman's heart so she will know how much her Saviour loves her. Or how about trying, through primarily actions, to convey to your elderly neighbours your deepest apologies and desire to be a friend as they struggle through some hard trials? So often I feel like I am walking blindly, without words to describe my actions, I must rely solely on my actions to speak clearly and accurately the things the spirit would like to communicate. It's a tough thing for me. I am a big communicator, and it feels like I cannot speak.

Not sharing a common language, of course, puts a challenge on building friendships as well. Meaningful conversation is such an important building block of a supportive, strong friendship and I feel absolutely unable to contribute. Paralyzed and incapable of making friends.

So what did I do to correct mistake one? I haven't corrected it. I'm still working on it. And boy is it hard. It has been a long process of trying to give up all the ways that I had planned on serving and replacing those by learning the ways that Heavenly Father needs me to serve. It has reminded me how in tune I need to be with the Spirit every. single . moment . I've been trying to be a better visiting teacher, taking on as many things in my calling that I can do to help, working with the missionaries, and doing better to invite others into our home and to church. It has been a growing process that has hit more deeply than I could have imagined. Often I feel like I am completely alone in this journey. The hardest part though? Feeling like I am still failing - miserably. As for that German, well, I'm still hoping and working for that to kick in.


Mistake number two was no easier to address because by the point that Jason and I had this conversation originally (after living in Germany for one year, taking classes and studying at home) I felt like the expectation was for my German to already be immaculate. Of course, this was probably because of a heavy dose of self-expectations rather than entirely the expectations of those around me, but that doesn't matter because people act according to their perceptions which may not always be completely in line with reality. And my perception was that people saw me as the failure that I felt I was.

So I set out to change my approach. To put priorities in the proper order. Why had I never received a visit from visiting teachers? Did I have visiting teachers? Who were they? How could I get my visiting teaching companion to communicate better with me and help me with visits (particularly with the woman who didn't speak english)? What were some meaningful ways that I could serve the primary children even though my language skills are limited? Do the primary children know how much I care for them? After taking the sacrament for myself, what can I do to be alert of those around me whom I can serve? The list of questions went for an overwhelmingly long time. But it wasn't the long list of questions that struck me the hardest, it was the realization that someone close to me needed me far more than anyone else - the kids.

It was at this time that I became very keenly aware of how unique each of the kids needs were at this time. For example, Atticus had just begun attending Primary, and after erroneously assuming that he had the german under control, I watched him become timid and begin to voice concerns. Both kids are always so happy, positive and social with their friends that I overlooked the signals that I had seen. Then one night I asked Atticus what I could do to  help him learn more while in Primary. The answer was simple - translate. Such a simple answer, yet how could my pitiful german be adequate enough to translate? That didn't matter though, what mattered was that this little boy was getting the spiritual nourishment he needed for his little seed of faith to grow strong and if that meant translating for him then I would do it. And I have done it. It probably isn't the most accurate or talented translating, but that hasn't seemed to matter. In the short time that I have been doing it for Atticus we have seen such a huge improvement. He loves church now. Loves his class (which is in german). And is beginning to feel more confident and comfortable with the other children in church. In parallel to this, gospel conversations in the home, service and missionary opportunities have increased. It has certainly been a blessing. However, should we stay longer in Germany, I know that Atticus will soon be ready to let go of my translating aid but I am so happy to see him growing stronger.

The goal was to set out doing the best that I could do with all the resources and talents I have to serve with then letting that service change me and develop my talents and skills how Heavenly Father saw fit; whether that meant progressing in my German or not. Deciding to move forward with this approach brought me the greatest peace and assurance that I have felt in some time. Letting Heavenly Father guide me and my priorities along with the order of those priorities. Well, today was a pretty good example of how poorly my approach had been received by others. I will just say the someone voiced their strong opinion against that and I let it hurt me. I am so much more than just and "english-speaker", I am a child of God.

I wanted to speak up and tell him how wrong and hurtful he was, but I didn't. After all, he is also a child of God. So instead, I gave him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he did not realize how hurtful his words came across and I quietly walked away. This isn't his challenge, it's mine. The funny thing is that afterwards I came up with plenty of things I wanted to say to him about how wrong he was and why, and all these things came to me in german. The grammar probably would have been awful, but I know he would have gotten the point. But I digress because he is not the one who needs to get the point - I do. I need to get the point and the purpose from my Heavenly Father for me. How am I supposed to be growing? What is this little fish out of water supposed to do in the driest spiritual desert I have ever been in? I need a full spiritual well to nourish my young family with and I do not seem to have the resources nor capability to fill it. I feel so helpless.

But I can't possibly be helpless. I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who would not leave me without the resources that I need to not just survive but to thrive and progress on my journey to be closer to Him. I feel like I am on such a steep incline and it is hard but there is far too much good around me enriching my life to making me lose hope. Right now I am tweaking my scripture study habits, practicing proactive prayer, enhancing my knowledge of how to receive and understand communication from the Holy Ghost, trying my best to fill any service I am able to render, and thoroughly studying last General Conference talks with my General Conference Study Journey (which a friend introduced me to and I am SO very grateful for that. I'll probably post more on that later). Of course, in the event there was ever any doubt, I am ensuring priorities are in the order that Heavenly Father would have me put them - that means, without a doubt, this little family of mine is top of the list. Because this little family of mine has been the greatest gift I could have asked for. Between a supportive husband and incredible kids I feel so blessed to have our little home where love abounds no matter how hard this has sometimes been for us.

Here's to progress. I'm sure that I will feel prompted to share more of my journey soon (hopefully those thoughts won't be quite so lengthy). I just hope that it is helpful to someone. If nothing else, I think it has certainly been helpful to me to write all these feelings down. I'm understanding more and more why the general authorities counsel us to keep journals (which I have been keeping :) )...

C.S. Lewis Quote

One of my goals for this year was to get at least one book read each month. Thankfully, I am on target (actually, ahead of that target at present) and loving every minute of it. It has really allowed me to weed out time-wasters and spend the little bit of extra time I get on things that will help me plan, improve and enjoy life. It has been a great blessing.

Another added aspect is that I end up with wonderfully powerful words, stories and quotes swirling around in my head and expanding the processes in my head. It's been great. I feel like it has given me greater power as a mother, wife and woman.

One of the quotes that I came across in my latest book that is really sticking with me is this one from C.S. Lewis:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

I love C.S. Lewis and his ability to craft with words in a way that I can only dream of ever doing. When I read this it sunk in deep to my heart. It felt like he had opened up my mind and examined it then described precisely how I have been feeling when I didn't know how to describe it myself. The remodelling that I feel going on throughout my entire being is greater than I expected, but I can feel the improvements and they feel good (though sometimes quite hard and seemingly impossible to understand). Throughout these improvements I have felt a greater need to rely on my Saviour and trust in Him because he knows what I need better than I do. He sees things more eternally than my finite vision can and His perpective is priceless and immeasurable. I am so very grateful for the blessing of prayer and the peace that it brings that me and our little family are in His watchful care. And I am grateful for growth. Growth in faith, love, abilities, and willingness. It's a slow process, and not always pleasant, but I am grateful for it because it brings me closer to my Saviour and Heavenly Father and enables me to bring my family closer.

My 10 Personal Objectives of Motherhood

I'm always a little leery of posting my thoughts on this blog (outside of the day-to-day happenings) because I worry that people will think I see myself as an expert, or worse, they may think I actually am one. I'm not. I'm a mom (which requires a great deal of expertise in and of itself, along with a heavy dose of on-the-job training), trying every day to improve in places that I see in need of improvement. While I hope my efforts to improve, learn and grow through motherhood will bless me with the knowledge I need to bless my family, I still shy away from the word 'expert' because I have a lot to learn. But let's make a few things clear though; I love motherhood. I love being a mom. And I aim to magnify my calling as a Mother for the benefit of my children, my family and those around me.

And that brings me to the point of this post. Early on in my motherhood journey I was trying to more diligently focus on my role as a mother and I realized I was lacking a great deal of direction. The desire was there, but with no destination in mind, that desire was only fuelling motivation that was running me in circles or getting me places that I didn't really want to be. Not fun. So I sat down and did some serious thinking.

I'm big into goals. I love writing them, breaking them down, working towards them and, especially, achieving them. My personality matches well with that kind of progression. When I think of times in my life where my progression was really magnified and I excelled it was when my life had clear expectations and plans set forward (like projects at work or assignments at school). So it became clear to me that I needed to set forth clearer expectations/objectives for myself that I could work toward to strengthen my confidence in mothering and, therefore, my abilities. I found the best way to come up with those objectives was to know where I wanted to end up.

Quite simply, when my children are grown, what do I hope they will say of how I raised them, of the example that I set for them, how I loved them, the time I spent with them or the way that I made them feel? I set to work making a list of several things that I would hope they would say. Some examples of that are: She always gives us heartfelt compliments, she listens and understands, she always sets a good example, she hugs us - a lot.

Then, I picked what I felt were the 10 that I felt the most drawn towards (some of them could be easily combined with other items on the list) and I transformed those from being words from my children to being objectives/affirmations for myself so that, hopefully, they will one day be the words from my children!



Everyone's list will probably look a little different, but here is what my final list of 10 looked like:


1. Give compliments and praise - not just for a job well down, but for the efforts, skills and desire.

2. Say 'yes'.

3. Have a vision and share that vision - of the gospel, our family and each of its' members.

4. Give love abundantly. Give hugs.

5. Take time for me - learn, relax, breath.

6. Smile often. Forgive easily. Laugh.

7. Listen. Enjoy every moment of their little voices. Encourage thought. Validate their thoughts.

8. Lead by example. Make choices that I would be proud to have my children emulate.

9. Take take to teach. Be patient and understanding. Clarify and expound with love.

10. Be consistent.


Now, the process doesn't stop with the list. This needs to be an active list or there won't actually be any progression towards my vision. Which means I need to be working on it - all the time. So at the beginning of the week (usually on Sunday evening) I sit down with my list and I ponder it. I ask myself questions such as; where am I feeling particularly weak? or,  What do I sense my children could use more of right now? Then I set little goals, that usually pertain to one of my objectives, that I plan to specifically work on that week.

It's a work in progress. But the key is that I am progressing and that feels good.  It has a positive effect on me, my family and my ability to bless my family in my role as a mother.

Motherhood can be tough and oh, so wonderful. It isn't meant to be a perfect journey, it's a progressive journey and it's awesome.

As a Mom Thinketh

Life has been so hectic lately that I have found the most calming time to make dinner preparations is during nap time. It's not that I don't appreciate the two very helpful pairs of hands that love to set the table and stir anything they can get those adorable fingers on, but I saw nap time dinner preparations as an opportunity to turn on some audio books that I had wanted to listen to for a while but had failed to find the time to do so.

So over chopping onions I commenced to listen to the first of many books on my list: As A Man Thinketh written by James Allen. Many consider it a classic but it was one that I had never read so I was excited to see what I thought. And there were no shortage of thoughts about it. The most poignant thoughts came to me after a rather stressful morning; we had had many errands to run that morning, cleaning to get done, dinner guests to prepare for and books I had promised to read to the kids. Not an easy morning for two little toddlers to handle especially when they have a frazzled mother at the helm.

As I was chopping and half-heartedly listening to the audio, I reflected on the morning and thought of all the ways I could have handled the inevitable bumps in the morning better when the audio, that had become nothing more than white noise in the background of my thoughts, echoed in my mind crystal clear;

“Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power. ” 

Calmess is power. It felt like those words were being etched into my mind as I thought to myself, "man, if that is the case then I am missing out on a lot of power that could be mine and I need to find a way to do better". 

In general, I feel like I do quite well at staying calm on the outset, but on the inset I am anything but. I share a common problem with many other moms out there - my mind never turns off. I saw an eCard the other day that said something to the effect of "Men: if you ever want to know what a woman's mind feels like, imagine a browser with 2857 tabs open. all. the. time.". Yes, that's me (my mind AND my browser!). 

The promise of greater power, if I could get that inner calmness into check, is great and all, but what exactly am I supposed to do to get there? Because, as a mom, I greatly value the idea of being the source of strength, grace and serenity no matter what the pressures of motherhood bring (a lofty goal, I know) I really want to figure out the answer for this (which may not be universal for everyone).

I really enjoyed this Power of Mom's article where Allyson (the author) focused on some great ideas in her article about appreciating the now that would definitely help. And Saren and April (also from The Power of Moms) did a phenomenal job in their radio episode about 'Your Deeper Yes' on how to zero in on what is important for you, as an individual, to give your time to. And while all their suggestions for actions to take were incredible they didn't address the core problem for me; I am constantly applying the actions but yet there is a seemingly continuous reoccurrence of the problem. For example, how many times can I say 'yes' to too many good things while the quality (and quantity!) of time I have for the best things in my life falls inevitably short? It is is a feeling like I am pulling out the same weeds again and again without ever getting to enjoy the beautiful flowers in my garden; a frustrating cycle for someone who likes to enjoy the beauty of the moment.

So where do we find the root of this lack of calmness, balance and focus? In the words of James Allen, “As [a mom] thinks, so [s]he is; as [s]he continues to think, so[s] he remains.”. 

All of our actions, everything that we are, begins as little seeds of thoughts in our mind - we must weed out the bad and plant and nurture the good to live a centred, peaceful life.

While the absoluteness of that last sentence is still something I have yet to fully accept, I certainly do believe that there is a correlation between our thoughts, our actions, the quality of our relationships and the quality of our life. 

For example; if I begin the day worried about how much there is to get done and not having enough time to get it all done my actions are typically hurried, frantic and just plain stressed. Approaching it this way does not save me any time, in fact, it usually takes more time as I cannot focus on the important things to get done, I don't take time to exercise the wisdom of putting first things first, nor are my children particularly keen on cooperating with a crazy person. 

Alternatively, if I begin the day with a few deep breaths, put the most important things firsts, then allow and accept things to unfold in the natural rhythm of that particular day, magical things happen. The kids are happy, I'm happy, and all the important things get done with a whole lot less worrying. As a wonderful, added bonus, I find I even have extra time on days that are approached like this (and that is certainly not a byproduct of having less items on the to-do list). 

So, how do we actively plant seeds for days like the second alternative? We choose our thoughts. 

Just like we choose what clothes we want to wear, buy, keep or get rid of, we can choose the thoughts that we wear, buy, keep or get rid of. If certain thoughts do not help us come closer to our goals as who we want to be as mothers, women or even wives we can plant thoughts that do and weed out the ones that don't. The aim is to have a mind that is a clean, beautiful, serene and peaceful garden because that is precisely the kind of mind that will be able to create a clean, beautiful and serene home.

This is all part of my journey to focus and feel an inner calm no matter how crazy life can sometimes get. I'm sure some of these thoughts seem incoherent and I may even babble on occasionally but I feel it is important for me to get them out there - so here they are, at least the first part of them. I am hoping to sit down and write more thoughts on this as they formulate (in other words; I hope to write some more soon). Until then, I'm sure there will be plenty of other wonderful things posted here :).