You know those moments that aren't your greatest when you feel you really should have known better but at the time, you really didn't? Maybe I'm the only one who has them.
I debated whether or not I would put these thoughts on this blog and finally decided to the affirmative seeing as I would like to keep things realistic on here. I love being positive and focusing on the positive in life. That's what this blog is all about; all those wonderful treasures that weave themselves within an ordinary day. The problem is that we still don't have ordinary days - not even a new version of ordinary days and there is no sign of them yet on the horizon. So finding those little treasures amidst the chaos just feels plain hard. Like looking for tiny flecks of gold in a dirt pit - it's messy, frustrating and stressful.
Perhaps the most frustrating bit is that I know a lot of this boils down to me needing to say 'no' to all the things that seem to have gotten piled up on us upon our arrival. Saying 'no' to all those things that are good, just not the best for us right now. For example, we were cramming visits with all of our old friends and our new friends in an effort for us and the kids to settle in. Which was craziness; not because we don't love our friends but because we all settle in best with some down time as a family (though Jason is often an exception to that rule). And once we are settled in, accepted and comfortable with our surroundings then let the hosting begin.
In this journey of settling in I am learning how the kids adjust similarly on some things and so very differently on others. It is a hard journey as their mom to know just how to tailor situations to push them the right ways and just enough to grow further without it being too much that they regress further than before.
I made the error of packing in playdates. It was in a genuine attempt to find a way for the kids to feel more comfortable around the kids at church. It didn't work. Our kids just kept asking when we would get to do a fieldtrip with just us or stay home and do Mommy School. They (Atticus in particular) were looking for those things that they used to do in Germany. I didn't quite get it until one day Atticus said to me, "Mommy, I miss how we used to sit on the floor with big piles of books for a long time when we were in Germany.". So what did I do? I said 'no' - not to Atticus and Milayla but to everything else. I said no to all those extras that I thought were helping that really weren't. I took the cue from them and raised the bar a little bit higher each and every day. It was running so smoothly. The kids were doing so great. Until Sunday came.
Sunday. ugh. Church. I feel horrible to be in such a state about church right now. But, unfortunately, this is where the meltdown portion of this blog entry comes in.
The ward primary leaders (who oversee the classes for the 18month olds to 11 year olds at church) informed me a few weeks back that they have this policy that there are no parents allowed in Primary or nursery. Excuse me!? This seriously sent me into a bit of culture shock. Here I was with two children that we just trekked across the globe who were happy making nice progress on their terms and now I was being asked to leave them alone to cry it out or in Atticus' case, scream it out. I adhered and I left. I should have known better. I should have trusted my momma instinct because - it didn't work. The children just came right back to us. Again and again and again. Against the 'rules' Jason stayed with Atticus in his class for a few weeks. Then we had a little chat with Atticus at home about how much we trust his teachers and what a great job they are doing. Atticus agreed and he went happily off to class on his own for several weeks and we would get to walk home to the sound of him gushing about how great his class was. Unfortunately, we were not having such success with nursery for Milayla (who had the unfortunate opportunity to be bitten and scratched..) or in sharing time for Atticus, who is not keen on anyone but the music conductor in there. This last Sunday was not my shining moment. Actually, that is a gross understatement.
We had been trying for weeks to adhere to the "no parent in primary" policy with no success (this was partly why we had the overdose of playdates). Despite not finding any such policy in the church handbook I didn't want to start a stir because I was already pretty irritated with it and didn't think it would help. Well, after 2 hours of Atticus and I both missing our classes, I picked up Milayla (who had been left to cry it out - not something she is typically happy about) and both kids were miserable (Milayla took cues off her big brother which typically works out well for us but not this day). Long story short - I wanted answers.
WHY were Jason and I needing to adhere to this ridiculous rule? The rule that we broke and as a result Atticus loves his class!? The rule that is no where in the handbook!? It was breaking my heart to see my kids feel unwelcome in Primary just the way they are - kids going through big change and needing some of that change to be a little gentler. It did not go well. I was emotional. That's dangerous. When I saw that the sparkle my kids have in their eyes about church and the people there was starting to fade because of the situation I switched into protective mama bear mode. I was an emotional woman looking out for the best for her kids talking to emotional women just following orders. Yes, they were just following orders from the leaders at the next level. So on I went to contact them to be told that though it is not a church guideline, it is her guideline and she is sticking to it. I felt like she just slapped a door on the primary room door that said "welcome to Primary - only pre-adjusted children allowed".
I know, I know. I probably overreacted. And my kids will likely have forgotten about this all come next Sunday. But, I am doubtful that they will have improved in their comfort level in Primary because there is nothing being done to help them. They don't feel welcome there. Despite Jason and I oozing our compliments to all the great things about the primary (the music leader is incredible! And both Atticus and Milayla have PHENOMENAL teachers!) the kids won't budge on their opinion. They need that comfort level to step forward - it's how they tick. I'm guessing that will evolve as they get older and become more aware of stepping out of their comfort zone, and as we continue to raise the bar to challenge them.
In the meantime I am probably the most unwelcome person in the entire ward right now. Which is a shame. It's a great ward. Super diverse. I have heard prayers in more languages in the last couple months than in my entire life and I'm loving it. Though the wonderfulness of the ward is currently one of those gold flecks in my big dirt pile that I am having trouble getting to. Of course, very little sleep each and every night is not a matter that is helping any of this. So off I go now, to divulge in a piece of early Halloween candy and attempt some sleep (because chocolate helps me sleep....but not really...).
***And just because there are some people who read this who may not know me all that well, there is a slight humour to this post. I do love the people in our ward. I don't love the rule, but I do love the people. Though, my emotional meltdown probably didn't convey that love all that well. *sigh*. That's what repentance is for, right? Time to start the apology letters... I do have a knack for feeling really really horrible, guilty and terrible about even the slightest chance that I have hurt or offended someone...
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